Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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