the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
