i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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