hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
