I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
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Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
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there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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