He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
