I am puke
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
