we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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