I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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