he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
