Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
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Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
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They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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