seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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