3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
That accounts for only three of the penises
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Randomize
