cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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