We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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