i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
