Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
