I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
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He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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