if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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