I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
