woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
