sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
