and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
