Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
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Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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