I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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