Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
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And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
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We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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