if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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