I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
