I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
