If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
