The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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