Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
