Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I will pee on everything he values.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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