how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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