if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
