at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
