i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
