You know, be my cock's hype man.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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