you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
