she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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