We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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