Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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