I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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