I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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