I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
