I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
