Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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