biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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