He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Randomize
