I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
