My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
