a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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