I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
