You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I can't put those talents on a resume
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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