Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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