I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
