I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
