Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
These tits shall not be calmed
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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